Dear Lord...
we pray that we may win this game today.
We ask that you give us the strength and the courage...
to win our second straight state championship.
We ask, Lord, that...
nobody on our side is seriously injured.
We know in our hearts, Lord...
that we are the best team.
We ask that you allow us to win this game.
The Lord wants you to put your foot on their balls...
and believe in it...
because that's what wins football games.
Not jumping offsides like a bunch of wimps and faggots.
All right, lift your heads. Prayer's over. I talked to God.
I'm through talking to God. Now I'm talking to you.
You're going to be out there in front of your families...
your student body.
Every girl you ever had a hard-on for...
is gonna be out there today, but you will not be going...
to no sock hop tonight, boys.
You will not get no honey on your stinger tonight...
if you don't go out there and bust your ass.
Because this is it.
This is the big one.
I want you to taste it.
I want you to smell it, son.
There's winners...
and there's nothing else.
I don't give a shit what those pinkos over in Russia say.
You want to be a loser, you go live in Russia.
I'm not a loser. I'm a winner.
I'm an American.
Who wants to be John Wayne?
Who wants to go out there and grab a root and hang on?
Who wants to get a mean-on?
Get a mean-on, son.
Let me see you get a mean-on, son!
Now, who wants it? I want to know! Who wants this?
Who wants to get a mean-on right now?
-Who wants it? -I want it!
Good job, man!
The pride of Ashcroft High, Johnny Walker!
Hut!
By God, we're playing football now!
Yes, sir!
Coach? It's the last game of the season.
Do you think I could maybe get in for a couple of minutes?
-You want to play? -Yes. Please.
No, you don't.
Hut! Hut!
Walker's fortieth T.D. pass this season!
A new state record!
Wide! Wide set!
Gash, give him the punt sign, will ya?
Walker! Kick the ball! Kick it!
Hut!
Another record for Walker!
-Did you see that? -Look at that!
Five-second hang time?
Pardon you.
With that completion to Michael Bentley...
Walker has just set a national high school record!
1:35, Gibson's out of his car and into the stadium.
Excuse me. Shove over, would you, please? Thanks.
Coach...
that offer still stands.
My answer's still no.
You wait for us for the signals!
We're calling the plays here, Walker!
I think the score is 52-0.
What can we do to get Gash in the game?
I got it. Let's lose five. Break!
Break!
Push it in! I want another score!
Let's go! Let's go!
Hut! Hut!
I'm going down. Oh, it's the leg. I'm down.
What's he doing? What's Walker doing?
I think I broke my dick!
Oh, no, not his George.
Walker's out. Gash! Gash! Get me Gash!
Right here. What's up?
Get in the game, Gash! Put it in the end zone.
My first time!
-What's the matter, son? -I broke my dick, Coach.
Rub some dirt on it and get back in there.
It's broken, I'm telling you.
You go left.
You go right. I'll run.
Break!
Hut!
Oh, Gash! Gash!
Throw your navel in the ground, will ya?
-Hey, Juicy. -Hey, Johnny.
Would you mind taking off your underpants real quick...
and go stand over there?
-Sure. Anything for you. -Thank you.
2:35, cheerleader taking her yellow panties off.
Thank you. Over and out.
Hey, guys, Juicy Dorfman isn't wearing any underpants.
SQ?
Left, 46, on the first sound.
Ready?
Break!
Oh, I see.
That girl's not wearing any underwear.
What?
-Which one? -Hey, check it out!
Hut!
Hob; mob!‘-!
Oh, wrong.
I see the hole! I see the hole!
I see--yeah!
Ashcroft High has just won...
their second consecutive state football championship!
Congratulations to coach Wayne Hisler...
and especially to everyone's high school all-American...
Johnny Walker!
Hello?
Hey, Johnny. Glad I could get to you.
This is Howard Case“.
You were just tremendous out there today.
I've never seen a better performance...
at the high school level.
You should go to an Ivy League school...
by the name of Yale University, in my opinion, young man.
Have you thought about such a thing?
ls this really you, Howard? Howard?
-Who is this? -This is Howard Cosell.
Does anybody in America like you? Huh?
Coach, I'm sorry.
My boys, my boys, all right.
That's worth a victory, huh?
That's worth a victory.
Johnny, listen to me, man.
Sign with me, I will make you a star.
Ignore all these other guys, man.
They're a bunch of athletic pimps.
Trust me--athletic pimps. Look at the way they dress.
Write your own ticket! I'll give you anything you want.
Spring break, huh? Puerto Rico!
Just tell me what you want, and I'll get you two of them.
What do you like? You like girls?
-I like your head. -You got it! What else?
Ice cream? Cultural pursuits?
Johnny, I can offer you TV coverage.
I can offer you TV every single Saturday.
You don't need him.
I got what you want. I got what you need.
We'll keep running that style of offense, boy.
You're gonna start right away! Right away, you hear?
That's what you want to do-- play football, right, boy?
Smurfs. Smurfs. Smurf patrol.
Hi. Thank you.
Watch my feet. Watch the toes.
OK. Don't I know your mom?
What's it like being king of the 12-year-olds?
Georgia! What?
Say that again?
What's it like being king of the 12-year-olds?
Let me tell you something. These girls are gonna be...
beautiful grown women in about two minutes.
-You shouldn't really say that. -Freeze!
Move away from my daughter, Walker!
Don't tell me he's still pissed off...
'cause I brought you home a day late?
Don't tell me that. ls that what happened?
No.
Johnny..
What? What was it?
It was the hickeys.
You can't really cover those up at all.
-What? -Let's give him one.
Get your mouth off her, Walker!
Let's go, Georgia!
"Ow!
I'll see you later.
Very good.
Do you love me?
Thank you.
I can't say anything but thank you.
-Over here, boy! -Johnny!
You could be going to the Super Bowl!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. I can't talk now. I have to go. Watch the jacket.
We'll talk later. OK.
Wrong!
Less with the lies, more with the broads!
Back off!
Bye now!
Thank you. Thanks a lot, recruiters!
You think those recruiters would all want you as much...
if they knew you were afraid of the dark?
I'm not afraid of the dark.
It's OK. I'm not gonna spill the beans...
that you sleep with a night-light.
I don't need a night-light.
Come on. Yes, you do. It's OK. You're a punk. Accept it.
All right, I accept it.
So what?!
SQ?
OK, hit me again.
Right here.
I feel good now.
Leo, it's time you and me moved on to big-time, pal.
-The big-time scholarships... -UCC.
-Big-time contacts, big deals. -UCC is the place for you.
Hey, did I ever tell you about Coach Hisler's wife?
-No. UCC. -She has a set of chihuahuas...
There's someone sneakin‘
Round the corner
Could that someone
Be Mack the Knife?
There's a tugboat
Down by the river, don't you know?
Well, the cement there
Just a-drooping on down
You're getting really good, Wayne.
I just love your singing.
Thank you, baby.
You know, I was reading at the market today...
that we all come from another world...
and we choose in that world who we want to be in this world...
and we're all connected by a common cosmic thread.
That's right, honey. That's true.
What time you going to work?
After I make dinner for you and clean up.
Do you realize that we're living nine lives simultaneously?
Of course.
-Listen, sweetcake? -Yes?
On your way back from work, would you pick up...
my yellow suit from the cleaners?
OK. No problem. It's near that bakery...
that bakes that black mundle bread you love so much.
Hello. Coach Hisler's house?
ls he in?
I think so.
May l?
Oh, sure. Just follow the sound of the music.
Thank you.
Whoo, look out
Oh, Miss Lottie Lenya
And old Lucy Brown
Chancellor, how are you? Good to see you again, sir.
How about that game today, huh?
Nice. Walker was everything you said he was.
Yes.
What do I do to get him to go to Piermont?
I just want you to sit down and relax. Enjoy my home.
You're going to have dinner with us, aren't you?
I don't think we have enough salmon patties, Wayne.
What the hey?
Break out the fish sticks, honey.
Oh, OK.
Darling. Some of that sparkling fruit wine.
Have a seat, please, Chancellor.
Look, Coach, I didn't get to become president...
of Piermont University by mincing words.
My backers are getting impatient.
They want success this year.
They want to win. I want Walker.
I'm the key to Walker, obviously.
Obviously you are.
What is it you want? Name your price.
I want to be the new head coach at Piermont University.
ls that all?
No. I want a five-year no-cut contract...
weekly television show...
membership in the country club, et cetera. All the usual perks.
The main thing is that Walker is going to go...
where I tell him to go, or he's not going anywhere.
That's a fact.
You can guarantee that?
The kid loves me.
You know, it's--.
I'm like a father to him. Really.
Hisler's such an asshole.
Johnny, I've been having all these twisted visions lately.
So lay one on me.
Well, I was thinking about developing...
a deep personal relationship with a psychiatrist.
You know, very tight.
And then one day, just while he's complimenting me...
on all the headway progress I'm making...
in the area of my obsessive fear of torque wrenches...
just cut him off mid-sentence and say, "Hey, oops!
"Why am I angry at you today?" He gets all Germanic on me...
and goes, "Well, I think that it stems--"
It stems from nothing. That's a trick question.
I take his Ph.D. off the wall and beat him...
about the head and shoulders with it for about an hour...
and then I whisper softly in his ear...
"I'd like to pay for my next twenty visits in advance."
Johnny, be all you can be.
-For $81.50 a month after taxes? -Exactly.
No, I don't think so. Thank you, though.
-Notre Dame, my son. -Father, how you doing?
Aren't you gonna be late for a mass or something?
Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
Alabama is football. Alabama's where you should be!
Penn State is always in the top ten.
We kicked Alabama's butt last year.
That was one game. It's freezing in Penn State.
It's a normal climate.
Normal? Normal if you're a seal or an eskimo.
It's good to see the seasons change!
Leo, Leo.
My school has a buddy system. If Johnny goes there...
all of his buddies get to go there, too, first class.
Boy buddies, girl buddies, everybody.
I'm ready for college...
and corruption.
My school doesn't do that, Leo.
It just exists in your imagination.
Well, I have a grand imagination.
How about ten grand?
Leo, more chicken?
I'll just get the rest to go, please.
Right.
Anything, Johnny, anything!
I love you!
Let's set a time!
I'm free tonight!
I can't believe the bald guy is still here.
It's crazy out there.
Well, it's crazy in here, too, but I like it.
My lures are selling like hotcakes.
They especially like my walleyed gibbler.
- This is exciting. -It's original, huh?
Oh, honey, I'm proud of you. I really am.
You've worked hard for this for a long time.
Thank you, Mom.
You know I couldn't have done it without you.
Yeah.
I'm glad you know it, 'cause it's true.
I swear one day very soon I'm gonna work hard enough...
that you're not gonna have to work again, Mom.
I don't mind working, Johnny.
It's a decent way to make a living.
Well, I know you don't mind. That's why I do.
Where's Georgia today?
Yeah. Where is she?
She's grounded.
-Why? -For knowing me.
Yes. I can understand that.
Popping off, Ma, huh?
You ready for a little pea in the head, Ma?
Will you stop? No, wait. Now, don't.
You want another one? Here it is. Whoa.
All right. You stop.
All right, that's it. No dessert. What can I do?
So, Ray, what did you think of the game?
You looked goofy.
I looked what?
Goofy.
You didn't look in the mirror today. You know why?
'Cause you don't have any teeth. When you get some front teeth...
then you can tell me how goofy I look.
Until that moment comes along, you can't say anything, OK?
-OK? Do you hear me? -Yes!
-Say, "| hear you, Johnny." -I hear you, Johnny!
-Say, "| hear you, big brother." -I hear you, big brother!
-Say, "You are my man." -You are my man.
No. She just ate. Now...
But much more importantly...
what about Leo's first touchdown ever?
You looked good today.
Thank you. Once I got the right direction going, right?
Why don't you ever eat at your house, Leo?
Why?
Well, I think it's basically because my parents hate me...
and they have accused me of carrying...
an ammonia-filled tentacle around with me...
which, of course, I do not!
What is this, the funny farm?
I can understand why they hate you.
Johnny, my boy, you know.
Listen. You've got to get organized, you know?
Now, you've had calls from Michigan...
UCC, Piermont and OI' Tex...
LSU and Kansas and Cornell.
What do you think, Mom? Do I call these people back?
Well, superstar, you can start by clearing the table...
and helping me with the dishes.
Nice little reality break from Mom there, huh?
- Isn't that nice? - Well, you're home now, son.
Thank you, Gramp.
This doesn't have a hook on it.
And you are in trouble.
You couldn't catch a single monkfish...
if you had to.
-See you later. -That a boy.
A fish.
Your family's really nice.
Your mom's a terrible cook.
Thank you.
-Where are we going now? -Georgia's.
Really? I thought she was grounded.
I'm ungrounding her.
Freeze, boy!
I see. It's gotta be a Rottweiler.
There's no mistaking this. That's no chihuahua.
I thought her parents hated you. It must be embarrassing.
Yeah, well, she digs me.
Her father is the one who I have problems with.
She'll come around.
Mrs. Elkans, good evening.
ls Georgia home?
Yes...and that's where she's going to stay.
I just felt the love beam.
She loves me.
Freeze, dirtbags!
I don't want you sniffing around my daughter, Walker.
What's shaking, Chief?
Chief, how the hell was patrol?
You're in big trouble, Walker.
Chief, you can't keep me away from your daughter.
I'm gonna keep you away from her forever.
How you gonna do that, Chief?
We're gonna settle this thing once and for all.
I can't just beat the shit out of you...
so we're gonna have us a little game of football...
and I'm gonna hurt you.
I'm gonna play with these two men right here.
These men right here?
OK, hold on. Let me get a head count for a second.
You got one, two, three, four.
That's a little unfair, isn't it?
Well, then you can play with the big cheese.
Oh, now I like it. Chief, one last thing.
Once we kick your butt, Georgia's mine.
Well, then, just to make it fair...
you're gonna get to play with one hand behind your back.
Isn't that cute?
Chief, you don't play with one hand, do you?
Let's bless the ball.
A little pooper for the Troopers.
Rotten little piss-ants.
Go, John!
Cheerleaders? Cheerleaders?
Run!
I got it, I got it.
Luther!
Can I see some I.D., please?
Nice catch, Cooper.
Yay, Troopers!
Get 'em out of here.
Oh, my God.
Hut!
Hey, fat man, get out of here.
I'm out of here.
Look at him go. Look at the chief.
Wait a second.
That's a $20 ball. That's a game ball.
Let's get him.
It started last weekend
At the Yale-Harvard game
10:38. This movie is shit.
Girl, I saw your beaver flash
I'll never be the same
Oh, no
You gave me a soul kiss
Oh, it sure was grand
Johnny, now that I'm homeless...
what do you plan to do with me?
I'm gonna love you.
And I'm gonna marry you.
And that should take care of about sixty years.
ls that a threat or a promise?
That's a threat.
I'm getting old, though.
Yeah, real old.
I'm serious.
Next thing you know, I'll be on the beach...
with that big belly, sporting the bikini underwear...
just walking.
Then comes gray hair.
Then comes ear hair, coming out of my ears.
Then comes white hair. Then comes no hair.
Then comes no teeth.
Then, boom, you're 70 years old.
Or 80.
Ooh, nature.
I'll be there.
You kids having a good time?
Hi, John. Johnny Ballgame.
All right. Now, I don't mean to interrupt you.
I just want you to know, John...
that there's a lot of phony hype with all these schools.
Now, I know you better than you know yourself...
and right now the best situation for you is Piermont.
Oh, yeah, Coach?
-Really. -Yeah?
Can I tell them you'll come down for a visit this weekend?
Coach.
You'd be my horse if you never even ran a race.
OK, I'll be there.
-Johnny Ballgame. -OK.
I'll have 'em send you a plane ticket.
You know I've always been fond of you, kid.
Thank you, Coach.
I'm fond of your Pacer.
Thank you.
I'm most fond of it.
Hey, you could have one of these someday.
Don't tease me, Coach.
That's the last damn school I'd ever visit in my life.
Johnny, why are you visiting all these schools?
I thought we planned to go to State...
to be together.
I can't just ignore the opportunity...
to go see schools, to see the country.
You wouldn't want that.
Come on. When you get that look on your face--
Let me get a kiss, please.
Like, let me get a Georgia fish kiss.
Come get it.
Come get it?
l will.
It's the way to travel, ain't it, soldier?
Huh? You see the country here and...
first-class bucket seats.
The price is right, too, huh?
What are you, a private?
Hey, I'm trying to eat. You mind?
Hey, this is a family bus here.
Hey, Slim. Hey, I'm trying to eat.
Hey, Slim. Knock it off, will you?
I wonder if that's the OI' Tex plane.
Have you seen a lot of commercial airlines...
that look like a flying horny toad?
No.
Get off that. No. Please.
-Hi. How y'all doing? -How you doing? Good to see you.
My name's Tex Wade. I'm gonna be your host for the weekend.
I'm gonna make sure you get everything you want...
from your visit to OI' Tex.
Well, thank you, Tex. You got a lot of style, Tex.
How about a little something to blur your vision, Johnny?
- No, thanks, Tex. - Well, then hop in.
OK. Bye, Georgia.
Johnny, be good.
Come on in, Tex.
Georgia, can you see his boots?
See you, Georgia.
Just kidding, Tex.
Aw, man!
Where is that punk?
Excuse me?
I'm not talking to you, lady.
What a jerk.
Thinks his time is more valuable than mine, I guess.
Probably stroking his muskrat somewhere.
Sit down, Coach.
Oh, thank you.
You're late. Where's the kid?
They sprung a math test on him.
You believe that?
He'll be flying down a little later.
Actually, I should give him a little call.
Use the phone back there, please.
Yeah.
You should have seen that airport.
What a madhouse.
It's a beautiful office, Chancellor.
Not too shabby.
John, how are you?
What's the matter?
Well, that's terrible.
Listen. Don't worry about a thing.
We'll just reschedule the meeting, OK?
I know you want to come here with me.
You haven't hurt your chances.
Now, look. As soon as I get off the airplane...
I'm coming right over to see you.
I love you, too, son.
Bye-bye.
That's a great kid.
I want you to feel right at home, like family.
Like this was your very own ranch.
Look, this comes straight from the heart, John.
Everybody here loves you.
You see these long-stemmed American beauties here?
They're all for you. They're yours.
That grass is yours. This whole shindig is yours.
Them trees are yours. Hell, that lake is yours.
ls this part of the campus, Tex?
You could call it part of the campus, Johnny.
You come to OI' Tex, you can call it anything you want.
I love OI' Tex.
Margarita, Mr. Wade? -Don't mind if we do, darling.
Here you go.
Never had one of these.
Shit. Everybody drinks margaritas at OI' Tex.
Feisty little filly, ain't she?
My wife says they're medicinal.
The ride has started!
He's out of the chute.
He's riding that--
B.B., what's shaking?
Come on, break yourself loose and say hi to Johnny Walker.
Johnny, captain of the team, Bad Breath Banister.
Tough duty, B.B.
That boy's breath would gag a maggot.
I know it, Tex, but he's gotta be...
Ladies and gents...
can I have your attention for one minute?
I want to introduce to you...
five of the most sought-after football players...
in the entire country.
Boys, come on now.
Step up here.
We want you! We want you!
And you're gonna get 'em!
This here is Flick Weaver...
Pete Andropolous...
Benny Figg...
and that hunk of Mexican-Samoan man flesh...
Jose Fopupu.
And last, but not least, Johnny "Rocket Arm" Walker.
We want you! We want you!
Hail all to OI' Tex
Let the spirit lead
Hail all to OI' Tex
On to victory
Our minds and hearts are with you
Your hallowed halls we praise
Hail all to OI' Tex
All the live-long day
OI' Tex is great.
Yeah, but it can't come close to the money Piermont offered.
Man, only that junk bond bullshit.
I'm splitting.
Where are you going?
I'm going to get some Chinese.
Man, ain't you full yet, brother?
I'm not talking about food. I told Tex I'd only come...
to visit if he got me two Chinese girls.
-Yo, Slick. -He did!
Poontang foo-yang, hoss.
We're gonna show you a real good time.
How you doing, Carmen?
I'm glad to see you. Ralph, what's up with you, man?
How you doing? How's it feeling, man?
Yeah? Things looking up?
Aw, the stock market's down.
Stocks are down, huh? How's your wife, man?
Oh, fair.
I need a partner.
-Still picking pockets, man? -Yeah.
lam here to tell you that it is my responsibility...
to welcome you to the fold of OI' Tex.
Sort of like a queen bee with a hive...
and I never miss.
I got me a player in every class.
In order to prepare you for tonight's experience...
we need to do a little hot heart exercise.
Now I'm gonna send you some energy.
Do you feel it?
I feel it. I feel good.
-Do you feel the heat? -I feel the heat.
OK, OK. I feel it, too.
OK, now.
How'd you like to go visit our campus?
Where the hell is that campus, by the way?
Well, I'm glad you asked...
because I'm gonna take you there right now.
Thank you, ma'am.
Well, let us grab our drinks and vamoose.
Ooh, numero uno.
lam going to show you, you lucky boy...
why they call us the Horny Toads.
Why, darling, this is far more than a football team.
Armadillo.
I mean, we have a very fine medical program...
in which many operators come out successfully.
Oh, is that right?
Well, you understand the word "operator"?
Not at all.
-Was that your hand? -That was yours.
Oh, well, that was my hand, darling.
I thought it was a pillow, but I can see I was mistaken.
And as you can see, we have a very fine library.
Right. I can see that.
Well, we'll see the library now.
Excuse me.
Listen, if you're not interested in her...
I may know someone a little more your speed.
Now, darling...
I thought this would be a more intimate place to dine.
A little more spacious.
I can't believe the size of this campus.
- It's huge. - Well, you bet.
They're all gonna be saying it-- "Go, Johnny, go."
In the fall, 80,000 people will be cheering you on, darling.
Johnny Walker!
And I can guarantee you something, sweetheart.
It will be nothing...
like the performance I am about to give.
Oh, no.
Oh. Ouch.
Oh, boink.
Thank you so much.
Matter of fact...
I should start abusing that term-thank you--
because it can get me in and out of more situations...
with smooth sincerity.
Absolutely the best thing I could say...
is thank you right now.
Thank you and...
well, thank you. Thank you.
Darling, you talk too much.
Wait a minute. No, thank you.
See, I'm not the type of guy who thinks--
-Joe Bob! -Yo!
Tell 'em about the OI' Tex baby dolls...
and how they like to sneak in the locker room at halftime.
Lord have mercy, boys.
We spend $20,000 a month on these pretty little fillies...
just for the football program alone.
You gonna like it here.
Please stop. Stop. l--thank you very much.
Miss, look, thank you. No. You're making this hard enough.
Please stop.
Jose, come on down here, boy. I wanna show you your future.
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Speaking of luxury, if my eyes don't deceive me...
that's a boy getting his knob polished...
right there on the fifty-yard line.
Say what?
I gotta go, you understand?
Oh, wait! Where are you-- Don't leave!
And |--stop! Stop! Let me go.
Oh, I gotta put this up on the scoreboard...
see it a little clearer.
I have to go. No, I'm not a homosexual.
I have to go.
No, you don't.
By God. I'll be dipped in dog shit.
That's Johnny Walker.
What the--
Shit. That's my wife!
That's your wife?
Who said that? Wait a minute. Please. You have a husband?
I'm getting out of here now. This is it, and I'm out.
And put those tits away. This was no med school.
-This was not a library! -I wanna play ball!
I have to go!
I won't put away my tits before you get back here!
Come back here, you |i|' boy!
I gotta go! No, no!
Come back here! I can make you feel good!
Get your butt in this car, boy! Now!
Come on, let's go!
You wanna go? Get in!
Hey, don't be doing that to the paint!
Tex'll have my behind for that.
Don't be doing that. Get in. Come on.
Oh, so this is the medical school.
Hey, boys, come on down here!
Got the entire front row for y'all!
Oh, my gosh!
It's looking very good!
Oh, no.
Sure was nice of 0|‘ Tex to let us use his car.
Goddamn! It was nice of him to give us his wife!
- Fill 'er up? - Yes, sir, with beer.
HEY-
Get you guys a beer or maybe two.
How you doing?
-Doing good. How you doing? -Good, good.
You going to play football at OI' Tex?
Oh, I don't know yet.
You know, I used to be a football player.
They said I would've been all-American...
if I hadn't hurt my leg.
What happened?
Did you go to OI' Tex?
I was going to, but...
I never got the chance.
After they took my scholarship away...
I had to quit school.
But...
OI' Tex took care of me, got me this job.
I ain't complaining.
HEY-
- Yeah, buddy. - Party!
Yeah! Gonna party tonight!
What's this stuff, man?
What is it?
That's Texas sushi, boy.
Forget you, man.
Come on. We're out of here.
Let's jam.
Move it out! All right.
There he is!
Hey, Johnny, why'd you visit OI' Tex?
I need silence. I need silence.
Why'd you go there in the first place?
Come on, you're smarter than that, Johnny.
I don't know. I don't know.
Until you signed your letter, nothing else means squat.
Hey. Hello there.
Hi, honey.
How was the campus?
The campus.
Right. It was nice, Mom.
Yeah, it was nice. It really was a nice campus.
Well, you think of OI' Tex as just a football school, right?
And in actuality...
they have the finest pre-med school in the country.
Really. Just a fierce-- it was a beautiful setup.
Yeah, it was nice. It really was.
Listen, something wonderful happened while you were away.
This fella calls up on the telephone, see...
and he orders 10,000 walleyed gibblers.
Apparently he gives them away...
on his late-night television show...
like those Veg-a-matics or those spiffy little fishing rods...
that turn into can openers.
We could make a small fortune on this deal, you know?
That's excellent, Gramp.
Yeah. So he called?
The fella says so long as they sell...
the orders will just keep coming in.
You know, we could maybe buy a larger house.
That'll really catch a lot of fish.
- Hi, Johnny. - Hey, Monica.
Don't you bruise those tomatoes now.
Have you folks tried those biscuits?
- They're delicious. - What'd he say?
Pick a school yet, Johnny?
Baby love.
Hey. How was it?
It was cool. It was good. I had a good time.
Yeah?
So how were the girls?
The girls.
How were the girls?
Well, they were...
very short...
very fat...
and kinda weird looking.
What was her name?
- Huh? - What was her name?
The woman I had dinner with was Lawanda.
That was Tex's wife.
Lawanda?
Very old chick. Very fat woman.
And very funny looking.
She took me to dinner, and, you know...
"What do you think of Texas?" And, you know, "I love it."
Lot of small talk.
I didn't--you know, I didn't do anything...
or, you know, touched her.
What are you thinking about?
I think you're an asshole!
This boy-girl shit hurts, man.
Oh, no. None of that.
It's a bogus product. It's a payoff.
No self-respecting fish would go near a walleyed gibbler.
Hey, Leo, read my lips.
Joe Bob promised my grandfather...
he'd by 10,000 of the things, OK?
Dude, you're confused. You're repeating yourself.
- Maybe you're wrong. - Well...
I couldn't break his heart like that.
Well, you can't commit to OI' Tex.
I'll tell you something, Leo, I had such a groove in Texas.
I vomited margaritas the whole way home...
but it was beautiful. I'm telling you.
Well, perhaps you'll spew forth...
the drink of every school you visit.
I like that. I'll keep it in mind.
Give me a hand. Howdy, Chief!
Dirtbags!
UCC, UCC, UCC.
What's shaking, Coach? I didn't know you'd show.
Coach, how do you feel?
John, you promised me you were gonna visit Piermont.
He's not going to Piermont. You get it? Got it?
And goose yourself.
If I want any shit out of you, Leo, I'll squeeze your head.
You better listen to me, son.
You're on the verge of destroying your entire career.
I'm not gonna let it happen.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes...
to make sure you do the right thing.
You keep playing games with me...
you're gonna end up waiting on tables with this guy.
That was cold-blooded, Coach.
- Coach, where's your shoes? - Forgot those shoes, Coach.
Are you sure Tom won't want to order more of my lures?
We haven't sold one in three years.
Well, Harvey, you tell him that a big shot down in Texas...
just ordered 10,000 of them.
Reckon the fish in that state are gonna be safe for a while.
Grandpa Walker, can I have a word with you?
Sure, Coach. Sit down.
Got some bad news.
You know Tom Norman?
Well, he owns this shop. Fishing buddy.
What's happened?
Well, apparently he's very connected...
with some of the alumni from Piermont.
Tom tells me that if Johnny doesn't go to Fiermont...
he's gonna have to cut off your credit here.
Hey, I hear you're flunking English. Ouch.
John, you need that English, son.
You did your term paper...
on the American hardware store, huh?
Maybe you deserved that
I don't want to hear about it. It's a very legitimate topic.
- Yes, it is, and I must read it. - I know you wanted to.
So, Leo, I think you know why we're here today.
I think you do.
Hisler's been messing with me, Leo.
He's been messing with my grandfather...
been messing with my little brother...
my little sister.
Been messing with my mom, Leo.
He's been talking to her, messing with her.
And now...
we're gonna mess with him, Leo.
Are you with me?
Die!
Gonna ruin his life
Gonna ruin it good
Gonna do the wrong thing
Like I thought I could
Oh, Leo, vengeance is mine. Made all the calls, did you?
It all comes together now.
Wait till you see these chihuahuas.
Hut, hut, hut.
Hello, John. Glad you boys came by.
The wife has a Tupperware party...
but we can talk in the den if you like.
I'd appreciate that, Coach.
- Come right in, please. - Thank you. Thank you.
It has a green lid.
It has blue.
It has...purple. See that purple?
You boys met my children before-Sugar and Honey?
Oh, I love your kids.
I've been giving a lot of thought...
to what you told me about Piermont. I really have.
That's good.
Except I'm having a little problem with my English grade.
Really?
Yeah. I thought you could help.
I might be able to help you out with that. Sure.
I thought you could, Coach.
Stick with me, Johnny.
- More company, honey? - Don't get up, Pumpkin.
- Keep selling your goods. - OK, now, I have...
Pizza delivery for Hitler.
Hitler? Hisler. Hisler.
Where you going? Wait a minute, fellas.
Wait a minute. I didn't order any pizza.
$283. - No, it won't be $283.
I didn't order any pizza.
Look, pal, you order pizza, we bring you pizza.
- Hey, listen, you like pizza? - Sure.
Yeah, you like it? All right. You eat the pizza!
What are you doing?
Can't you take a joke, mister?
Go back! Connie, get my shotgun!
Honey, I'm coming!
Can I have the rest of the pizzas?
Is it for me?
No! It's for nobody! Get out of here now!
Whoa! Wait a minute! Where you going?
I'm from D.O.A. Exterminators.
Hear you got a problem with rodents.
I got no rodents!
I'm gonna take care of my own rodents.
Out, out, out!
Coach, we're even now.
How do you turn this thing off?
Come on. Out.
Connie, where are you?
Number one.
That's your number.
Yeah, I was really surprised.
No kidding, yeah.
Definitely want to see him, yeah.
Fast like Homer Jones. Remember Homer?
Yeah, yeah. Heck of a student.
95 average--that's great.
Let's have dinner next Tuesday.
I gotta go. Next Tuesday, OK?
I really have to go. Bye-bye.
What do you say, Coach? How do you feel?
Would you mind removing your feet from my desk, please?
Thank you.
So, I came here to do some business with you today, sir.
I just got back from OI' Tex.
They're ready to cut a sweet and lucrative deal with me...
except the thing is, I want to play here.
I want to come to State.
Johnny, we don't give out deals here.
What?
We give the usual scholarship: Room and board...
a good education.
Everyone has to actually go to class here.
And I like to believe...
that we offer a good background in football.
We had a lot of players go into pro ball.
That's nice, Coach, but...
you're losing the top high school athletes...
every year for a reason.
What's that?
Well, you're not giving them anything.
You gotta show them something. They gotta see something.
They gotta know that they're gonna get something--
cash, you know, cars, apartments, money.
Hook-ups, you know what I mean?
We're looking for benefits these days, Coach.
Look, Johnny, I like you...
so I'm not gonna B.S. you.
You're a good athlete.
You have a lot of talent and a lot of energy.
So I'm warning you...
you're getting into something that you don't understand.
See, when word goes out that a kid like yourself...
is looking for a deal...
believe me, that deal turns out to be a lot stronger...
than that kid ever bargained for.
Be careful.
You're playing with fire.
Are you crazy?
My father sleeps with his gun.
I heard you visited State.
Does this mean your lobotomy's worn off?
Well...
since you're not going to speak, you will rub my feet.
I mean, far be it for me to ask you to apologize...
when you have behaved like a complete son of a bitch...
but...
"Flowers that have festered smell far worse than weeds."
That means...you stink.
But it was sweet.
I guess lam still sweet on you.
I'll cut in ten minutes.
You're a bombshell.
“Cc!
- We're going to 0l' Tex. - No, we're not.
People in Texas...
sorry-
Cool.
No real shots! No real shots!
Punk!
- You wouldn't really use that. - Yes, I would.
- No, you're not gonna use that. - Yes, I would.
Leo.
What?
What do you really want out of life, huh?
I want Johnny Walker to go to California.
- All right, I'll go. - Really?
- Yeah. - Cool.
Hey, how you doing, Johnny? Lew Landers, l.C.A.
It's good to see you. Welcome to California.
We got a fine time planned for you, buddy.
Listen, Lew, I'm here to meet the money man.
I'm here on business, not pleasure.
I am the money man, Johnny.
And I'll tell you something. I'm gonna take you to meet...
the best quarterback in the country...
a close personal friend of mine.
Give me five, Johnny. Never touch.
Jim McMahon wears Adidas.
Either I wear Adidas...
or I wear nothing.
Almost nothing.
And cut! Great. Beautiful. Amazing.
Here you go, Jim.
I don't know how you do it, Jimmy. Every time.
Natural talent.
Back to the golf course again, huh?
- The rest of you--thank you. - Just one more, Jim.
- Hey, Yeoman, thanks a lot, man. - You bet, boss.
Thanks, Bob.
Jimmy, how you doing? Meet Johnny Walker.
What's up, Jim?
How you doing, John?
Glad to see you're coming to UCC.
Well, I haven't really made up my mind yet...
but I'm damn glad to meet you, man.
I'm having a little party for my man tonight.
Why don't you stop by the house, huh?
Well, I'd love to, but I promised my wife...
I wouldn't show up at your place anymore.
What a kidder, huh? I love you, Jimmy.
Hey, maybe next time, huh, babe?
- Hey, Lew. - Yeah?
Did you notice how he had his hair done up like that?
Yeah. Looks good.
Just like mine. Like he planned it for me.
Listen, let me tell you something serious, huh?
You play your cards right...
you could be the next Adidas man someday.
Lew, he had his hair hooked up just like mine.
1:45--Walker receives jacket from Landers.
Over and out.
I know I may talk 90% of the time, Johnny...
but, believe me, I only take 10% of the action.
- How you doing, Doc? - Terrific, Lew, terrific.
- Lewie. - Yeah?
My mother's medicine cabinet was never like this.
Don't worry about it, Johnny. You're not in Ashcroft anymore.
We use only the finest steroids available.
We have only one mind-set here at UCC...
and that is that our boys are winners.
- Isn't that right, boys? - Right!
I love these guys like my own kids, and because of that...
I take better care of them than their own mommies do.
- Isn't that right, boys? - Right!
We have the best training facilities...
in the country, Johnny, college or pro.
Our men are appreciated...
for the fine pieces of machinery that they are.
- What's up, Slick? - Hey.
Does he play here?
No, he just pisses for the players...
so they pass their drug tests.
- A designated pisser, huh? - Yeah.
Let's get you some threads for the party.
All right.
Lew, how tall are you?
About 5'8“.
Hi, I'm Tex Wade. I'm looking for Johnny Walker.
Oh. Well, he hasn't got back from UCC yet.
The hell's he doing at UCC? Isn't he committed to OI' Tex?
As far as I know, he hasn't committed himself anywhere.
Well, I hate to be the one to enlighten you, Grandpa...
but you did not get that order...
for them 10,000 walleyed gibblers...
because they catch fish.
What are you saying, mister?
You figure it out, Grandpa.
Ah, it's good to be home.
Thanks, everybody. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, it's Johnny Walker.
Thank you.
This is a nice ride. This is all right.
Where'd you get it, anyway? My dad got it for me.
Kind of a graduation present type thing.
I thought I knew your father hated you.
Well, he used to, but we're real tight now.
Just kind of woke up one morning...
we had breakfast, and now, you know, real solid.
Things are real good.
I look cleaner than the board of health, don't I?
You kind of look like a combo--
Liberace meets Prince's mom. But it's groovy.
Bye now.
What's happening, Chief?
Where did you finally decide to go to college, clown school?
You know what you are, Chief? You're an officer of love.
Not of law-of love, you are.
Do you dig it?
It's a look.
Mom, Mom, Johnny's lost his mind!
What do you think?
Mom, I got to tell you about this school.
UCC has a premed program-- absolutely blows OI' Tex away.
Not even in the running anymore, OI' Tex, because you know why?
I'm gonna get about 3 times the lab time I had at OI' Tex.
Johnny, what has happened to you?
Me? I'm great. Don't I look great?
I feel great, Mom. I really do.
UCC is a football factory, Johnny.
Only about half the players there even graduate.
What about your education?
Ma, education? Please, OK?
Just, please, step off with that, OK?
I want to tell you something.
I have a much better deal here at UCC.
They're working out a sweeter deal...
and they're gonna take care of everything, guys.
The way OI' Tex took care of me?
Come on, look, everyone looks nauseous here now.
I want to explain to you, OK? UCC has a better deal for me.
They're going to hook us up. Mom, you'll have a bigger house.
I don't want a bigger house, Johnny.
I want you to stop thinking about yourself...
and start thinking about what's right...
and about your family. We're the people who love you...
or maybe you've been too busy Lear-jetting around...
to remember that.
I mean, look at you. Purple and gold?
You look ridiculous.
I don't know how this could've happened.
Maybe it was just too important a decision to leave up to you.
Hey, Mom, wait a second. Mom, can we--
Come on, Gramps. Isn't this what you wanted?
I wanted to sell my lures, not my grandson.
Come on.
Gramp.
What do you think, Randy? Come on, what's up?
I'm going to go do my homework and take a reality break.
Johnny, I've had a deep, revelatory vision...
and I think you should drop this ridiculous college ball thing.
And do what?
Become a professional waiter. Develop a reputation...
as a bistro's most courteous server.
And, of course, you're waiting for one night...
when the manager's relatives come in.
You seat them. You serve them. You wine them. You dine them.
You read them the specials.
You take the last of their orders, and then you say...
"Actually, it's the fish or nothing!"
Of course, at this point...
they're all jamming for the door like wild.
You tackle down around the ankles.
You get them down on the ground. You pound them in the spine.
You say, "Are you trying to stiff me...
"on the gratuity, you fop?"
Right.
UCC is your only move
UCC is your evermost groove
Excuse me. We're new in town...
and we've never had sex before.
Would you give us a hand?
Up.
Don't follow the dames.
Leo. Leo, turn-- I want to go home.
I started dating this Nancy girl...
specifically because she was a virgin.
Well, milliseconds before initial penetration...
I just shot up in bed like a reverse domino...
and I just said, "Hey, there'll be none of this.
"What kind of boy do you think I am?
"I will hardly pop you without having met your father.
"Get him on the horn."
The things that make life worth so much and so worthwhile...
are things that we have to look up at a lot of the time--
it's clouds, it's stars...
children.
"By the way, where is the can?
"I have to take an awful, putrid asparagus piss."
He says, "Down the hall to the left."
That just really ticked me off, so I got up and I said...
"Just a goddamn minute. That won't do."
I run right up to the family drapes...
and proceed to write my surname on them in urine.
Well, Mom bolts out of the La-Z-Boy chair...
and comes over and delivers me a flurry of slaps...
so I retaliate with a series of blows...
to her midriff and midsection that I usually reserve...
only for those times when I actually do see red.
I'm a winner.
I am, and so all these big money men...
they're offering me this, this, this, and this, you know?
Because I came home wearing, like, heels and gold.
My mother sat me down and she told me what the deal was...
you know, and spoke her mind, and I've been acting crazy.
I really have.
Are you still conscious?
She's talking. Good.
Let her go. It's been an hour.
Look, I seem to have lockjaw of the arm.
Love is a verb, and I wish...
I wish I'd just get to it a lot more...
because I feel good when I do.
Say, are we going to have sex or not?
Rape!
Put your top on!
Freeze, assholes!
- This is too good to be true. - For who?
You're going to the joint forever.
What are you looking at, weirdo?
Ouch.
We got to get out of here.
Look, Lew Landers can get us out of here, right?
- But then you got to go to UCC. - Wait a minute.
You know Lew Landers?
Of course. You think my dad bought me that Jeep?
Are you kidding? Lew Landers bought me the jeep.
UCC got it for me to try to get you to go to their school.
- You set me up? - No, I didn't set you up.
I just pushed you in a direction...
trying to do the right thing for you.
You set me up. You didn't tell me.
If I told you, you would've said no, and then...
well, then, it still wouldn't have been setting you up.
I just, you know...
I just made a mistake.
I got...
selfish.
Me, too.
Oh, this is terrible. This is awful.
This is really awful.
This is a serious mess.
Does the phrase "Bail us out immediately"...
mean anything to you?
Bail?
There's your bail.
That's your ticket out of here right there.
All he has to do is sign with Fiermont--
you're on the street.
Otherwise, boys...
you're looking at twenty years in the slammer...
with all the butt pirates.
And they say they're waiting for you up there, Johnny...
want to give you a little hiney poke up there.
Coach, I know I'm a man, OK?
My asshole is exit only...
and we really didn't do anything wrong.
You want sympathy, Leo...
you look between "shit" and "syphilis" in the dictionary.
No, no, you're gonna like it. You're going to love it...
on the road gang, out there with the cons cutting that grass.
Oh, yeah.
Boom. Boom.
All the pretty girls will be going by in convertibles...
on spring break, drinking beer.
They'll be waving at you. "Hi, Johnny. Johnny!"
It's up to you, John.
Put your foot in the chain gang...
or you can put your foot in the cash register.
You let me know.
Don't drop the soap, boys.
Hello, everyone. I'm Gary DeLaune.
Today, throughout the country, hundreds of boys...
will be signing their national letters of intent.
These letters are commitments by high school seniors...
to play for the college of their choice.
Today, there's no place across the country...
that has more media coverage and more attention...
than right here-- Ashcroft High School.
We're here at Ashcroft High School.
It's signing day.
Now, Johnny Walker has just arrived...
to sign his national letter of intent.
In just a very few short moments...
the entire country will know where Johnny Walker...
has decided to play his college football.
Glad to see you boys could be here for the announcement.
I sure hope none of us are disappointed.
Something sure don't smell right here.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
I'm very happy to have been asked, ladies and gentlemen...
to introduce Johnny Walker here today.
And I am so happy to announce...
that John and I are going to be together for another four years.
I'm the new head coach at Piermont University.
But, you know, what really makes me proud...
is that John could've gone anywhere in America...
and he chose to be with me.
Now, we've also landed...
four of the top blue-chip prospects in this country...
and they're all here today. Come on up, fellas.
You need a haircut.
All right.
This is not about me.
I'm only as good as my players, believe me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce...
the man of the hour, Johnny Walker.
'Iay! 'lay!
Throughout this recruitment...
I've acted like an idiot.
I completely embarrassed my mother...
my family, my girlfriend...
my friends.
Mostly, I just embarrassed myself...
because I thought I had something, and I lost it.
And if this is what it takes to play college football...
then I don't even want to play at all.
Just because I know how to remember to throw a ball...
doesn't mean I should forget my life or anyone else's.
Therefore, I'm not going to sign any letters to any schools.
Now, that's reality.
Thank you.
You listen to me. You are going to Piermont.
- No, I'm not. - If he doesn't go, I don't go.
- I'm with him. - Wait a minute, fellas.
Hold on, fellas.
Piermont University will honor all its commitments.
Now, I promise you that.
Slight misunderstanding, ladies and gentlemen.
Bear with us.
Who are you?
My name is Floyd Gondole.
I am the NCAA recruitment investigator...
and I have followed...
the recruitment of Johnny Walker since day one...
and I am now calling for a complete investigation...
of UCC, OI' TeX...
and, specifically, Piermont.
We didn't do anything wrong.
You call framing a kid for rape not wrong?
You mean you framed the kid for rape?
You're both history. You're both finished.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Congratulations, John. I'm proud of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is...
You did good. I'm proud of you.
Hey, Johnny, I'm proud of you. You did good, kid.
So, what are you going to do now, huh?
Penn State, Johnny! Penn State! Penn State!
Alabama! Remember the weather!
Listen, Johnny, nobody-- and I mean nobody--
makes a schmuck out of me, capisce?
Nobody has to, Lew.
Is that right?
You're going down now, Lew.
Oh, you done made a big mistake.
No pictures!
Title fight. Hey, wish I could help.
Thank you, my friend.
Good move, man.
Let's get out of here.
Get back here, Walker!
Get out of my way! Walker, get back here!
Get down, Gramp.
Never did like that fella.
Coach. Coach.
Coach?
I want an education.
I saw the news conference last night, Johnny.
Yeah?
What'd you think?
You showed the type of character...
that we like in our students.
I like that.
Does this mean...
you want me to come play ball here?
You bet I do.
The Johnny Walker recruitment scandal widened today...
with the announcement that UCC and OI' Tex...
have each been placed on one-year probation.
Well, Joe Bob, thank God...
basketball season's right around the corner.
Yeah, amen to that, Tex.
You know, football ain't been good to us this year at all.
In a still further development...
Lew Landers has been barred from participating...
in the UCC football program for life.
You have one "F"? We'll take care of it for you.
Hey, slow down for a minute! I just want to talk to you!
Lew Landers gave me that jeep!
This is a pack of lies! A pack of lies!
I know what I did.
No, no.
I hired a common idiot!
A common idiot!
Get the hell away from me!